Relationship marketing is the “hot” “new” trend.
Lots of business and marketing coaches have now declared that “Social media is dead! Relationships are the future!”
This is tongue-in-cheek because building a network has been the original way to build a business — we just forgot about that during the rise of social media and digital marketing.
Building relationships and being presented as a guest expert in spaces has been the most durable business-growth flywheel in my business.
But when pressed beyond the initial “go-to” strategies to expand your networks — join niche communities, go to conferences, peruse LinkedIn for shared connections — one refrain comes up frequently:
“My people aren’t gathering together.”
Which… in some cases might be true! But in most cases means we need to think differently about network dynamics and the fact that as humans, we ARE wired for connection and seek that out, even if that’s not in a Facebook group or Slack community.
Before you go looking for where your people gather, though, there’s a prior question worth asking: what type of network are they likely in? The answer changes everything about where you spend your time.
The three types of networks
I see three different types of networks for building relationships — and which one your client and referral base primarily gathers in isn’t random.
Network 1: Public
Public networks are what everyone largely has access to — no or low payment, no gatekeepers.
Social media functions as a public network. B2B marketers talk to each other on LinkedIn. Job seekers spend time there, so career coaches do too. Moms gather in Facebook groups, niche interests gather in Reddits or Discords, readers rally around #BookTok (or so I’m told).
Public networks aren’t only online, either. Your local bookstore’s Silent Book Club night, a brewery’s Mahjong night, a Run Club. One of my clients came from relationships built while attending Charlotte FC games together.
In Charlotte, someone used to organize #instabeerupCLT, a free monthly event that originated on social media and then turned into 200 people gathering every month. My husband uses that network every day as he leads non-profit efforts in our city.
I’ve made a ton of connections, including any readers from the Pathless Path, subscribers to Revenue Rulebreakers/the Legends, and subscribers from Josh Spector’s newsletter because I participated in public networks where I first met Paul, Lex, and Josh.
Where can you gather in public spaces?
If you can’t find your people there — or they simply aren’t in public spaces — move to the next layer.
Network 2: Private
Private networks exist and can be found, you just can’t always access them freely.
There might be a fee: paid communities or programs, conferences, a local City Club or wine club. (Sure, that can be expensive and not fully related to business. But there’s a reason people do business at these local clubs).
There might be a qualification: a job title, a university affiliation, a revenue threshold (e.g. like Hampton, Chief, or Entrepreneur’s Organization.)
There might be a selection gateway: Selected for Goldman Sachs 10KSB or TechStars, being published in HBR, or selected to give a TedX talk.
These networks are findable with a little sleuthing: ask your clients and colleagues where they spend time and patterns emerge quickly. And because they’re curated, people inside are often more willing to connect, as the gatekeeping creates trust. These networks often need to provide good reasons for their people to join so they host events and spotlight members and guests.
I’ve had many guest speakers (but they’re mostly members!) in the Deeper Foundations Membership, and I want to spotlight more members to come.
Do your people gather in any private spaces?
If you can’t get access, or you’ve joined and still aren’t finding your people (clients OR referral partners), you need to go to the third, most intimate type of network: Secret.
Network 3: Secret
Secret networks aren’t listed anywhere. You can’t search for them. They form around trust, shared context, and invitation.
Your busy corporate executive goes to work, goes home, and repeats. They’re often not in a Facebook or Slack group, or joining online communities.
But they have work besties who get featured at conferences. They have trusted confidants for their thorniest problems. They have a hairstylist, a yoga class, a gym. They live in a neighborhood with an HOA. If they’re a parent, they’re in a text thread with other parents (but that’s probably muted, because that’s a lot of notifications). They meet for dinner when they can with other senior colleagues.
They might not “gather” consciously.
But every human is craving connection.
One of the more influential networks I know in Charlotte is a book club of very connected women in the entrepreneurial space. Every member joined by invitation from another member. You cannot Google your way in.
When your ideal client or referral partner gathers primarily in secret networks:
- Seniority — The more senior your person is, the less likely they are to spend time in public networks outside of doing their own marketing. They’re already overwhelmed or simply don’t trust them. Many of my entrepreneurial colleagues don't join group programs, even paid ones, because they end up being deluged with asks for advice or pitches. Very senior people often need relationships inside private networks just to gain entry to the secret networks.
- Niche specificity — Niche problems, especially for “un-sexy” topics, often find niche solutions through word of mouth from other niche practitioners.
- Identity-sensitive problems — Some problems are a little TMI for public forums. Not embarrassing exactly, but problems people won’t attach their name and headshot to in a group setting. Those conversations happen in trusted circles, by referral, away from the feed.
The more of these signals present, the more likely your path to your target client runs almost entirely through secret networks.
The second problem: getting in
Finding where your community gathers is only half the challenge. The other half is having the credibility to get introduced when you find them.
Secret networks run on trust transfer. Someone vouches for you and in doing so, stakes their own reputation. Which means even if someone likes you personally, they can’t confidently introduce you to their trusted circle if they don’t have experience in what you do or how you work.
This is where authority-style marketing stops being about audience-building and starts being about access.
Your authority — your credentials, your media mentions, your public body of work, your results — becomes the proof that makes someone, especially someone who hasn’t personally worked with you, confident to make a warm connection. It’s what allows someone to say “you should talk to Jessica” and have that mean something. Without it, you’re asking people to trade on your reputation, which is hard if you haven’t built it outside of your previous working relationships.
So the real diagnostic has two dimensions:
Where are the relationships you need? Use the signals above — seniority, niche specificity, identity sensitivity — to form a hypothesis before you start searching.
Can you actually reach them? That depends on two things: whether you have existing network proximity (do you know anyone who knows anyone?), and whether you have enough visible proof points about what you do that an introduction will stick.
If the relationships you need are in secret networks and you have neither the network access nor a visible body of work, the answer isn’t to post more or even to 'network more'. It’s to begin an intentional effort to build the proximity and proof you need (while making the money you need to pay your bills potentially elsewhere).
Build your ecosystem map with friends
Before saying “my people don’t gather”…
Ask instead: Where are they most likely gathering, given who they are and what they need?
If the answer points toward secret networks, your next question isn’t “how do I find the group?” It’s “who do I already know who knows them — and what do I have to show them when they make the introduction?”
And why do this alone? Band together with colleagues who serve a similar audience with complementary services. Instead of just trading referrals, trade network intel: who’s gathering where, who knows who, who needs an introduction.
Build your ecosystem map together.
Build your body of work in tandem.
And play the long game, one relationship and one proof piece at a time.